I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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