Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
