Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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