Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
where am i from again
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
