Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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