bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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