cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
