dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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