John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
