It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
