oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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