I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
