So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
