it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
