I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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