made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize