so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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