Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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