i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
