were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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