Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
