I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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