Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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