it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
