I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize