im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
