I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
