Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
