Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
