the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
