i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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