I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
