Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
