Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
