can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize