if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
