Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
