I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
