glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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