there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
