youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize