Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
