I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
