I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
