Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
