Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
