Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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