Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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