I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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