I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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