I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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