ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
