he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
