i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
