Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize