How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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