Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
