Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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