This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
