Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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